L is for Learning
by arualms
Summary: oneshot. Ryan learned a lot of things in Chino. None of them at school


AN: Just a weird little one-shot that insisted on being written. And because I still have a long list to complete, it's for the letterlove challenge. And yes, I know that what I really should be writing is the next part of dealing, or maybe an update for Chaos Theory, but those stories don't like me at the moment.

Disclaimer: I own nothing, whixh is a pitty, because I would be willing to share.

**L is for learning**

Ryan learned a lot of things in Chino. None of them at school.

He learned that, no matter how much he had always wanted to believe differently, not everything was his father's fault. Because he was gone, and they had left him far, far behind, a whole different life behind, but even though Dawn had promised that now everything would be different and better, it wasn't.

Because his mother still loved her bottle more than her children, or so it seemed, and the fact that his father was gone only meant that there was room for a lot of other men. Men who didn't like having to put up with the two miscreant sons of the woman they wanted to fuck. Men who had no problem making sure that Ryan and Trey knew they weren't wanted. Men who know that bruising their faces would cause trouble with social services and made sure that they wouldn't tell anyone about the blue-brown-violet mess on their backs and stomachs. Men who made Ryan wonder sometimes if his father had actually been one of the better ones.

Ryan learned that, no matter how much he didn't want to believe it, Trey would not always be there to protect him. Because even if it was the two of them against the worlds, it was also Trey against everyone, because his brother hated Chino and Dawn, but he hated it just as much that Ryan refused to give up on their mother completely and didn't get why he had to keep trying when it would never, ever make a change. At least, that was the reason he gave for why he mad a Ryan, and Ryan preferred that to the vague idea he had in the back of his mind, fostered by avoided eyes and drunken slips that Trey resented him for being him, with everything that entailed. Better have it be about Dawn.

He learned that, no matter how often Dawn told him otherwise, it wasn't just "the circumstances" that were responsible for their lives being the way they were. Because Theresa's mom was alone with her two children too; and she got laid of just as often as Dawn did; and ´Turo got arrested just as often as Trey. And despite all that, the only bruises ´Turo had were the ones he got from having fun with the guys, there was always food in their fridge and Ryan never once saw Theresa's mom drunk.

Ryan learned that, no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't stop caring. Because drunk and high and dating one brutal junky after the next, Dawn was still his mom, the only mom he would ever have and despite everything else, he still loved her. Because even though he liked to curse him every now and then, and told him to piss of just as often, and got arrested far to often for Ryan's liking, Trey was his big brother and despite everything, he was the one that Ryan knew would have his back when he needed it. Because as often as he told himself that it shouldn't matter, that his family, his life was the way it was and would stay that way, he couldn't help hoping for something better, something different to happen that would allow them to change.

Ryan learned all that and a lot of other things as well.

He learned how to smoke without choking, how much he could drink before he wasn't able to drive anymore, how much school he could miss without anyone causing trouble and where to buy the best weed.

He learned how to get girl into a dark room and out of their clothes, how to keep Trey from noticing that he had gotten laid and then making stupid jukes about where the girls' boyfriends could hear them and how to avoid the really bad punches when they did hear.

He learned how long milk was still drinkable after the "sell by" date was passed, how often he could re-heat mac´n´cheese before they turned unrecognisable and how to distract shop-owners while Trey made sure they got something to fill their stomachs for another few days.

Most of all, Ryan leaned how to shut the hell up and be quiet. Because no matter how bad things sometimes seemed to be, they could always be made even worse by talking.

He learned this when one of his teachers asked where the bruise on his arm came from on his first day at the new school and he had been so shocked by the caring in the woman's eyes that he actually told her truth about the man his mother had brought home, the first one since his father, hoping for some reason that later he couldn't even explain to himself, that the woman would somehow be able to safe his mother. One visit from social services and twenty minutes alone with the guy later, Ryan had learned not to talk about his family with grownups.

He learned it when he tried to talk to Trey, tried to explain to him why he had to at least try helping Dawn, had to avoid causing her trouble as much as possible, and the only result was that Trey got mad and then ended up not coming home for three days. Half an hour spent huddled in his room listening to Dawns raving and raging about her ungrateful eldest later, Ryan had learned not to talk to Trey about things his big brother didn't want to understand.

He learned it when he asked Theresa if he could spend the night at her place and hurried to explain his reasoning when she looked at him with eyes opened wide in shock at his audacity (they hadn't been more then friends back then), only to see the expression on her face change into one of pity. One more dinner at Theresa's place spent avoiding the same look being directed at him from both her and her mother, causing his insides to cramp with a mixture of shame and anger, he learned not to talk about his life to people who would end up looking at him like that.

After a couple of years in Chino, Ryan had learned that being quiet was what people expected him to do, what kept him alive there, and since he had no desire to die, he took the lesson to heart.

Another couple of years later, after his world had been turned upside down so completely Ryan didn't even know how to describe it, Ryan didn't live in Chino anymore.

And suddenly, everyone wanted him to talk.

_**Feedback? Pretty, pretty please?**_


End file.
